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I solemnly swear I am not up to no good. - Your Friendly Marauder Advice Column

About I solemnly swear I am not up to no good.

Previous Entry I solemnly swear I am not up to no good. Aug. 7th, 2005 @ 12:44 am Next Entry
Addressed to the filthy advice column belonging to youngsters of today,

Sifting back all the way through yesteryear, youngsters of my time were certainly not as naive and frivolous as those of today. The present time has yielded pus-like behaviour which proves many times as despicable, thank you very much.

This squalid column that is devoted to so-called "advice" (I spray murky vomit as I cast my eyes over this word) is purely reflective of the overall kind of behaviour that is being developed by teenagers today - with "tweens" closely bringing up the dirty rear! It is undoubtedly confirmable that this column will go as far as having (if not already, which I am not surprised) explicit content.

I have prevented my grandchildren from simply gazing at the layout of your puerile column. Their alluring, yet so perfect, eyes will surely be tainted and gouged even by reading one single word from your dreaded column. I certainly do not wish for them to read such nonsensical letters devoted to faeces, pathetic love potions, a teacher having sordid thoughts about a student, and the bad usage of Legilimency! I will personally see to it that one of my granddaughters will croak this column out of business.

Never have I been more disgusted at a person using Legilimency in a way which proved as mischievious as sifting out the impure thoughts of those within the vicinity! Highly perverted, I'd say. As to that girl who are simply proud of your achievements to start this column, well, she can drown amid the pool of Polyjuice potion that one highly admirable Professor had concocted. As to the writers who are troubled by their siblings, well, solve the problem yourself, you juice-bags! Back in my time, we don't turn to petty advice columns to have revenge on those whom we love dearly!

May all of you be permanently tortured by the trio of Unforgivable Curses,
Granny Umbridge.
Current Mood: infuriatedPEEVED.
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From:darcey321
Date:August 6th, 2005 11:45 pm (UTC)

I solemnly Swear - you need to be up to no good!

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Hey Granny,

Here is a thought. Why don't you borrow a little of the Polyjuice potion and be someone else for an hour? A little snogging might do you some good!

Now, go back and dust your plates, or read a book or something and let the marauders get back to this wonderful public service!

*Hem Hem*

Mischief Managed


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From:ashe_romeo
Date:August 7th, 2005 12:05 am (UTC)
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Dear Granny Umbridge,

Oi, how sweet of you! Thanks very much for not sending a Howler. Your consideration in that regard is very much appreciated.

Now.

Bugger off, you old hag.

Much love,

-Sirius
From:hangleton
Date:August 7th, 2005 08:53 am (UTC)
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Dear dog,

Obviously you're the pest that has been wriggling about my hydrangeas every night. Go munch on some pesticide! Or better yet - some Blood & Bone. I have a rich stock out the front and back specially for you.

As for you, cough-dropper, I would rather make my own potion than cough up several galleons for a cheap bottle!

Eliminating flea-bags like yourselves,
Granny Umbridge.
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